Today is Sunday, and being a "day of rest", I have a few heartaches I'd like to lay to rest. The first of these is my complete and utter view of being a victim in my life; ie. blaming my parents for my shitty life, blaming my ex for being the reason we didn't work out, basically blaming everyone and everything for my sorry existence without acknowledging the real author of my problems. Myself.
I have shied away from the truth for too long; that because of my own choices in life, I am where I am today. It is my own fault that I'm not graduated from college, let alone high school. It is my fault that I am not making use of my obvious gifts and talents.
While circumstances have some small role to play, it is for the most part a life of my own choosing. And what, you might ask, is the choice I made that has created this? It is the choice of Not Trying Harder. The choice of Not Pushing Myself to succeed. The choice of Not Believing I Can.
The choice of not hearing God's promise to keep me in all things if I leave them in his hands.

The second thing I'd like to lay to rest is my fear. I have lived in fear my entire life; fear of others, fear of danger, fear of not being good enough. I cannot live like this anymore, and I won't let myself. Fear makes me weak, renders me unable to follow my calling. Fear keeps me from having fun.

Thirdly, I rest my insecurities. Too long have I grieved over my feelings of self-worthlessness, of seeing myself as not being worthy in a world that values the material and appearances over the matters of the human heart and soul.

Instead of telling myself "You CAN'T", my motto and daily words are becoming " Through God's grace, you CAN". Perseverance is the only way to really live. The only way to heal and give back to those that love me is to continue to push myself every day, towards whatever calling I may have, and to stop wallowing in my grief. What's done is done. I cannot undo my dubious past couple years, but I can move forward and live a better present, one day at a time.

My roommate and I went to service this morning, at a Presbyterian church within a twenty minute walk of where we live. I loved it! I was nervous going, because I have so many problems with religion, and with people that 'act' out those religions instead of just going to God. I have issues with people that look down on anyone that walks into their church not clothed 'properly'. I have issues with churches that preach sermons that made you feel as if they are trying to sell their church to you and empty your pocket to serve their purposes. This little quaint church was nothing of the sort; indeed, we felt very welcomed in a genuine way by the 15 or so elderly people that were there. The pastor was down to earth and had some very interesting things to say, which he said in a clear and concise way.
I love the old style church services, with the old hymns and the congregation responses. It reminds me of the the church I grew up in. While the new age churches are all and well for people that are not yet comfortable with the traditions older churches hold to, I am one of the rare people of my generation that actually craves it. No rock music in church for me, please! I love the simple, elegant hymns that speak volumes in minor keys. Poignant is my favorite word, and such services are that for me. They bring my to the reality of my humanity, to the sobering memory of my Lord's sacrifice for my sins. I love the old churches that have seen generations of joy and tears pass from childhood to adulthood to death. When you walk into these places, they truly feel holy, not just because the Lord is there with you, but because the spirit of love resides in that place.

Night in Portland

Broadway at night,
the bums rise from their dusty stoops,
rise from the humble collection of bags
and blankets ,
to ask for change.

If we had had a dollar,
my friend and I,we would give it to you.

Who has a dollar to spare for your
addictions and hunger,
when they can barely afford their own?
This city is rich in loneliness,
in drunken kisses.
We feed off the legs of strippers,
drink in the neon lights.
We empty our pockets for liquor
to help us forget
(maybe forever)
that we are mortal...

And only God keeps us from being the
dark shadows on the sidewalks.

Summertime in Portland is amazing. And its even more amazing when shared with good friends! My dear friend Evylyn, whom I've known since we were giddy drama queens in Summer Youth Theatre '04, came up from Eugene for the weekend with her new boyfriend Peter. He is a very nice guy, and they are utterly in love. (its cute, and I am so happy for her!) They met me after I got off work downtown, and we ventured over to Voo Doo for some doughnuts and managed to leave with entirely too many of them, joining the ranks of tourists and drunk bar-hoppers carrying large and awkward pink boxes stuffed to the brim with gooey goodness!
We took said box to my house, and sat around my room consuming them with glasses of wine and beer. And thanks to Peter's guitar- background music skills, we had some fun and almost hysterical conversations late in to the night, which my amazing roommate joined in on. Guitar music played softly in the background makes any conversation feel important and that much cooler!
Today, after a somewhat refreshing sleep, we woke bright and early to make breakfast before heading out and about. Once downtown, we met up with a friend of Peter's at Powell's City of Books (my favorite place in Portland!) and quite literally spent three hours purusing the shelves. We left Powell's with some great finds for cheap prices, and headed across the street to Rocco's, a cheap pizzeria. They have delicious pizza! For 4 dollars, you can get a huge slice of cheese pizza and a soda, and it fills you up!
After Rocco's we went to the waterfront park to read our new books and lounge in the sun for a hour or so, then it was off to Saturday Market to do some shopping! I purchased a very awesome pastel pink/blue beanie that will be perfect for fall. I did wear it all afternoon though, since it is just too cute to not wear. Saturday Market is a GREAT place to people watch as well, and we spent some time watching two guys playing funky beats on plastic buckets. They were very talented. We danced. It was awesome.









Continuing the fun, we made a stop at Keller Fountain, to play in the water. Peter's friend, Kurt, and I climbed a set of stairs set in the fountain, getting entirely soaked in the process. So for the remainder of the evening, which ended at Denny's for dinner, we had to walk around in wet jeans. NOT FUN when its getting cold outside.














Sadly, as most fun days/weekends must, we had to part ways after dinner, Evylyn and Peter going back to Eugene, Kirt to his house, and me to mine. It was so great to see them, short lived as it was! I never realize how boring my life is, how routine I am, till my friends come to rouse me out for adventures!
So thanks to them!
And thank you Portland, for being so weird and so ripe for adventure!

This Town

Even the grass has eyes
that follow your steps down the walk,
analyzing every rise and fall of

your breath,

in this town.
The sun rises with a sigh,
sets with a cry and tears.
The buildings cast gloomy shadows
and the streets grin with memories

you wanted to forget.

In this town
the breeze passes through in a hurry,
barely pausing in the heat
to touch heart sore souls, to
ease the melancholy of routine

faces and sounds.

In this town
I walk with my hands in my pocket,
face towards the ground.
I cling to everything I've learned,
waiting for the snow
or some familiar feeling of deja vu
to remind me that I am

not lost.
In this town,

I do not exist.
You do not exist-
there is only the grass and the occasional star.





**Inspired by La Grande, OR

Movie Marathon Gone Horribly Wrong! :p

Today was quite the eventful one! After taking an extra shift at the bakery on my day off, I wandered around North Portland, exploring the neighborhoods surrounding my home. I have known for several weeks that there is a park near our school campus, called Peninsula Park, and that it has a large fountain and rose garden. Never having visited this park, I found myself meandering in that general direction with the purpose of seeing said roses and cooling off in the fountain. I discovered from a sign posted in the park, that there are about 1000 rose bushes planted in this garden, and many different varieties. Let me tell you; the scent in that park was simply delicious! The garden is very beautiful, laid out in green grass paths around the rose beds, and the fountain in the center. I sat by the fountain, and even waded in it, for quite some time before heading home. It was very refreshing!

Then it was off to the casa!

I have two housemates, Tiffany and Kim. Tiffany is a year younger than I, but in many ways much wiser than her age would suggest. She is my partner in crime, my little sister, and one of the most loving people I've met. Kim is our landlady and owner of the dogs and cat that bring us much entertainment, and is very friendly and easy to get along with. Together the three of us have a happy little household that stays surprisingly clean and drama-free.

Tonight Tiff and I decided to have a 'Pirates of the Caribean' movie marathon. We purchased ice cream and candy yesterday, and had anticipated this 6 hour event all day! However, it turned out quite diferently than we had originally planned on! Prior to starting our movies, we decided to take the dogs out for a walk, as they seemed to need some time outside, suggested by pacing and staring at the door. Normally our walks with the dogs are quite calm and they behave very well, but for some reason we had trouble getting Berkeley, the female and younger dog, to walk along with us. She insisted on chomping down any grass within her reach, eating it in a frenzy, reminding me of a hungry sheep. We figured that she must be having digestion problems and left it at that. Once at home, we got ready with out bowls of ice cream, piles of blankets and pillows (OK, it was me with the piles of blankets!) and began our marathon. That is when the trouble started! Halfway into the first movie, the disk began to skip, and we discovered that it was covered in scratches! Same with the second movie! And during this frustrating time, Berkeley began having stomach problems and ended up vomiting all that grass up on the dining room rug. Needless to say, but I will regardless, it was quite frustrating!

And yet I was somehow entertained by it all and at the same time felt very concerned for poor Berkeley with her stomach problems.

Lessons learned today?
-There is beauty waiting around every corner, if you learn to see it.
-When you borrow movies from a library, check the disks before planning a movie marathon.
-Dogs have stomach aches too!

With that, I close this post!

peace and love!

The Mother.

It was simply the way she moved,
her hips sauntering forward
followed by legs so smooth and lean,
one arm gracefully floating by her side,
the other playing with the flower in her hair;

her movement suggested that there was no sin
in being a woman.

And then she looked up at me,
and in her eyes I could see a mother,
confirmed by the slope of the belly, the
way her body seemed to glow with golden light,
the worn out veins showing through her sandals.

How sacred, this mother,
how holy this woman with her hips and her eyes.

The church killed Mary with solemn paintings
of a woman shrouded and silent;
This woman walks like being a woman is the
greatest pleasure in life.
Her sensuality invites, teases and delights
the deep emptiness of my soul.

Then she clasps her hands around that slight belly
and says "child of mine, how I love you",
a tear drops from her eye, travels the length of rough cheek;
"child, ain't no greater pain than this love of mine".